Written in 2005 as a member of a 'club' that no parent ever wants to join, and within which understanding through experience is shared in compassion. This is a response to a plea from a mother whose child had died, asking would the pain ever ease.... first published and circulated via tcf.org.uk
A heart felt response to a heart felt plea.
...
I am sorry you had to join
our 'terrible club'. It is so hard to explain it to people outside of it, that
it is both better and worse than they could ever imagine. It's a roller coaster
ride over which we have no control, and sometimes the best we can manage is to
put one foot in front of the other, and remember to breathe. but that's okay
too.
I have lost two children
now, my beautiful son at 28 days old, with whom I was blessed enough to know how
precious every single second was, 23 years ago. Then in April 2003 my
incredible gorgeous, loving and funny 15 year old daughter was taken suddenly
when she was hit by a car on her way home.
You ask, will this pain
ever ease? and I know that's a cry for acknowledgement of this pain that feels
as if it will break us, or at least never leave us again.
I will tell you what I have
found over the years from my experiences, although everyone grieves differently
- for me the answer is both yes, and no, and some things help more than others.
Yes, there will come a time
when it does not debilitate you - where it becomes a part of you like an old
war wound that's always there, but you have learned to live with. Kind of like
an emotional 'limp'.
And no, because some days,
even years later, some things will trip you up and send you back to the basics
of having to remember to breathe.
You can't prepare for these
times they just happen and you wonder how you could have thought you were
getting better. But these times become fewer and somehow we learn to let them
be and know that we will survive them.
But, you will have happy
times again, your heart will again beat without every beat being a painful
reminder that you are still here.
You may find peace in being
able to help others through this minefield, as no one else around them can.
You may find friends who
truly understand because they've been there too.
You may find that your life
as you knew it is over - but a new one will begin.
In a near death experience
I had during the birth of my son I learned (as well as learning that he would
return to them without me), that there is nothing beyond this world but the
most beautiful love, compassion, acceptance and understanding.
I came back knowing that
our life here is full of opportunities to learn and show those qualities while
facing incredibly difficult (or even boring day to day) situations.
I learned our life becomes
more full when we share these things with others - but we can choose and no
choice is wrong - they only bring different experiences.
I could choose to spend the
rest of my life angry and bitter, but it is far less painful if I fill my heart
with love and compassion.
I can choose what the new
life will hold - although the pain is a given because we loved so deeply - but
everything else is by choice -
I can choose where or
whether to direct my energies positively or negatively, (I choose, when I can,
positive)
I can choose to feel
cheated or blessed for being chosen to share my children's lives even though
they were shorter than I had hoped, (I am blessed!)
I can choose to believe
(and this is easier for me because I've been there) that my loved ones are safe
and happy and loved and able to send signs or not, (I choose to accept the
signs)
I can choose to accept that
our lives still have purpose
I can choose to acknowledge
that the pain is a physical expression of our love. To me it would be far worse
if it didn't hurt - for then there would have been no love.
'Had we never loved so
kindly, had we never loved so blindly,
Never met, and never
parted, we'd hae no been broken-hearted.'
from Ae Fond Kiss ( in
English for you ; )
I wish you love in
riding this roller coaster, and an offer of friendship to help you along your
path. I can't take your pain away from you, but I can remind you to breathe
when you need it.
Hugs Jenny
there is light at the end
of the tunnel
(c)J Cooper 2005
I remember this posting only too well Jen, was it really so long/not so long ago ?
ReplyDeleteWe still tell ''new'' members of our 'club' to breathe, as we remember how it felt to be choking - with despair, grief or even rage.
How nice to read your words again. You nailed it utterly and comepletely- as usual ! Thank you once again.
It sounds strange to say it but we did have happy times in those early days on T.C.F.
Love and light to you, Margaret XXX
Not so strange Margaret every moment is the pregnant possibility of all expressions of love. Happy and sad can, and do, co-exist in harmony.
ReplyDelete'Love, is the equilibrium of gratitude and generosity' Don Miguel Ruiz.
Life is the equilibrium of all experience. (me ; )
xxoo